16 dezembro 2007

How to ... buy lingerie

The rule with lingerie is that the less there is of it, the more expensive it will be. It's the only thing you don't get what you pay for. Lingerie starts simple and then gets very complicated, with multi-layers and flaps and straps and fluffy pompoms. Men can find this quite confusing, and mentally it gives the impression of going to bed with an advent calendar.

Women buy lingerie to make themselves feel good. Men buy it for the same reason. As part of a couple, a man is free to suggest various outfits, but then these need to be translated by the women into something in a non-industrial material that allows breathing and movement.

Lingerie now comes in many colours and patterns. Never buy a pattern that would also look good as a wallpaper: it may make finding you in the bedroom difficult. Red is the equivalent of painting a go-faster stripe on your sports car. It's either for people who want to say loud and clear, "I'm hot", or for partners who are extremely slow on the uptake.

Only three women in Britain currently wear a bra that fits properly. Bras are an incredibly complex design and work on the same principles as the cantilevered bridge. It would be better for women if each fitting room had an engineer on standby, rather than a fashion consultant. Underwiring is generally not a good idea in bras. If it was a good idea, men would have under-wired pants. Men's pants used to come in two varieties: clean and not clean. Now men have a bewildering choice of underwear, generally divisible into three categories - warmth, support and display. Warmth and display rarely coincide, unless you wear two pairs at once.

Men normally avoid lingerie departments like they avoid ice on the road. Occasionally, they venture in to make a purchase either for a woman they don't know very well but want to know a lot better, or for a woman they already know too well. In either case, the likelihood of a man coming out with a garment in the right size, colour and decency is vanishingly remote. For a man buying lingerie to be completely safe, his best bet is to buy a high-value gift token. Especially if this token can then be spent on shoes.

1 comentário:

Unknown disse...

Pergunto-me eu se as mulheres compram roupa interior para os homens...