Climb onto your neighbour's roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He'll think his house is underwater.
Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.
Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.
Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and telling her.
X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.
Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.
Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada
Sweetcorn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan.
Pretend you`re a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating only bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus.
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.
Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.
Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of `rodeo sex`. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can `stay mounted` for.
DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.
BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.
SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for shopping lists.
BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.
SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.
LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
WHEN throwing someone a sharp instrument such as a Stanley knife, or bread knife, always throw it blade first as they invariably tend to turn whilst in the air.
AVOID being wheel-clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.
SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.
PENSIONERS. Try sitting on a pile of encyclopedias next time you go for a drive in your car. That way you will be able to see out of the front window.
INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage.
TAKE your dustbin to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently run out of.
MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.
SAVE on charity donations by spending a pound on clothes at a charity shop, then selling them for 50p to another charity shop. This way you can give twice as much, at half the cost. I think.
NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.
APPLY red nail varnish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting varnish should be selected).
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place, you fat bastards.
Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.
Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.
Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.
Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.
Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every time you want to speak.
Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.
International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.
PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.
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