Casts of characters:
- Achilleus - Momma's boy; application for the US Postal Service rejected due to his inability to control his "menis" or god-like wrath.
- Agamemnon - Once leader of a group of kindergarten schoolchildren; now believes he has the capacity to lead an entire army. The only army he is in control of are the ones attached to his torso. Everyone hates Agamemnon.
- Patroclus - his mom thought "Patrick" was a cool name, but his father wanted something cool, so your mom agreed to name him Patroclus
- Hector - The Trojan who reaks the most havoc and heck. Hence the name "Heck-tor"
- Priam - Hector's mother who has parenting issues. Like Oedipus's mom, Priam has a thing for her beautiful transfestite, Paris
- Paris Hilton - Hector's beautimous transfestite sibling and offspring of Priam with a pay-as-you-go cell phone plan
- Helen - The most unimportant character ever. Menelaus's boyfriend, seduced by Paris (what a nightmare, right?). Forced unwillingly (or was it willingly?) to be in the company of Trojans during copulation.