"Normally when you see a black man or a woman president, an asteroid is about to hit the Statue of Liberty."
"Tonight we look beyond the dark days to focus on happier fare - this year's slate of Oscar-nominated psychopathic killer movies. Does this town need a hug? No Country For Old Men, Sweeney Todd,There Will Be Blood. All I can say is: thank God for teen pregnancy."
"There are three pregnant ladies with us tonight. Jessica Alba. Cate Blanchett. Nicole Kidman. And the baby goes to.... Angelina Jolie. I'm stunned. Angelina couldn't be with us tonight, it's tough to get 17 babysitters on Oscar night."
"Whoever owns the Boeing 707 parked on La Brea Avenue, your landing lights are on [John Travolta runs on stage and rushes for the door]. "Don't worry, it's a hybrid".
"Away From Her is about a woman who forgets about her husband. Hillary Clinton called it the feelgood movie of the year."
"You know another way they could show respect for the writers? Maybe one day invite some of them to the Vanity Fair Oscar party. Don't worry. They won't mingle."
"Cate Blanchett is the woman who can't be stopped. She played Elizabeth. She played Bob Dylan. In No Country for Old Men she played the pitbull chasing Josh Brolin. Cate Blanchett, she is amazing. Right now, I Jon Stewart, am being played by Cate Blanchett."
"Oscar's 80th birthday automatically makes him the frontrunner for the Republican nomination."
"These past three and a half months have been very tough. The town has been torn apart by a writer's strike. The fight is over, so tonight... welcome to the make-up sex."
"Our next presenter speaks four languages, and earlier in the evening she taught me 'I'm calling security', in all of them. Please welcome Penelope Cruz."
"In case you're wondering what we do during the ad breaks. Mostly, we sit around and make catty remarks about what you're wearing at home."
"There was a small technical glitch, so we're going to have to restart the show."
"Our next presenter is either a Hollywood movie star, or an auto dealership, ladies and gentlemen Harrison Ford"
"Here's a brief taste of what your four hour writer-less Oscars would look like. Please enjoy Oscar's salute to binoculars and telescopes"
"According to the IMDb our next presenter is the star of the 2010 untitled Nicole Kidman project. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, Nicole Kidman."
"Before we spend the next four to five hours giving each other golden statues, let's take a moment to congratulate ourselves."
"To really appreciate [Lawrence of Arabia] you have to see it in widescreen." (while watching the movie on a mobile phone).