Assorted quotes:

"I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness,' but it doesn't work."

Gallagher

Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess?
A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says: "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right." An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally."

"The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry and Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why and Where phases. For instance, the first phase is characterized by the question 'How can we eat?' the second by the question 'Why do we eat?' and the third by the question 'Where shall we have lunch?'"

Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question.

Lt. Henry Mon, USAF, circa 1961

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

Nikkid

What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.

Mark Twain

AND THE BEST OF ALL:

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

A. Whitney Brown