• WALKING across a bridge, I saw a man on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: “Stop. Don’t do it.”

“Why not?” he asked.

“Well, there’s so much to live for!”

“Like what?”

“Are you religious?”

He said: “Yes.”

I said: “Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?”

“Christian.”

“Me, too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?”

“Protestant.”

“Me, too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?”

“Baptist.”

“Me, too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Church of the Lord?”

“Baptist Church of God.”

“Me, too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or Reformed Baptist Church of God?”

“Reformed Baptist Church of God.”

“Me, too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?”

He said: “Reformation of 1915.”

I said: “Die, heretic scum,” and pushed him off.

• JESUS came upon a small crowd who had surrounded a young woman they believed to be an adulteress. They were preparing to stone her to death. Jesus said: “Whoever is without sin among you, let them cast the first stone.”

An old lady at the back of the crowd picked up a huge rock and lobbed it at the young woman, scoring a direct hit on her head. The young lady collapsed dead.

Jesus looked over towards the old lady and said: “Do you know, mother, sometimes you really p*** me off.”

In “The Laugh Judgment” competition, more than 4,000 people voted on 700 religious jokes sent in to the satirical Christian website ShipofFools. The ten funniest and ten most offensive will be performed today at the Greenbelt Christian arts festival at Cheltenham racecourse by the comic James Carey, a scriptwriter for radio comedy shows.

Some of the jokes were so offensive that they do not bear reproduction. One of the worst, a masturbation joke about Jesus, so upset the Church in Denmark, where it was first told, that religious leaders raised money to send the comic responsible to Israel to educate him. He gave the money to charity.

But this joke was voted only the second most offensive, by 69 per cent of respondents. The most offensive, voted for by 72 per cent, was about a paedophile priest who was preparing to assault a child who had just lost both parents in a seaside clifftop tragedy. The ten most offensive jokes were about Christianity.

The jokes voted the funniest were mainly about Christianity although other religions were mentioned in some. The joke voted the funniest by 65 per cent of respondents, about a suicidal Baptist Christian, was an illustration of the extremes of religious sectarianism.

Read all in Times Online