The French have a saying 'le client est roi' - the customer is king. But we all know what they did to their royal family. The guillotined head of Louis XVI bounced across the Place de la Concorde as a few thousand Parisians laughed at it - and those chuckling spectators were the ancestors of today's French waiters.
The magic words that will make a difference ...
A few magic words can turn getting served in a French caf¿ from embarrassment to delight.
Garçon!
One to forget. No one shouts 'garçon!' in a French cafe unless they don't want to get served. To attract the attention of a waiter or waitress just raise your arm and call out 's'il vous plait' .
Express
If you like espresso, you can ask for 'un café noir' or 'un petit café', but 'un express' is what the waiters call it. Use this word and they'll think, 'This person has been in a French cafe before. No point trying to rip him/her off.'
Allongé
Café allongé is the waiters' word for an 'express' with extra water. It's weaker than an espresso, but less like bison pee than American coffee.
Crème
Waiters' jargon for a café au lait. All too often I hear English-speaking tourists asking for 'un café olé si voo play' and I know they're going to get a tureen of beige soup. Make sure you get the pronunciation right - as in 'krremm', as if trying to dislodge an oyster from your tonsils.
Noisette
If you want an espresso with a dash of milk, ask for this. It's short for 'un café noisette', or hazelnut-coloured coffee.
Demi
The standard beer measure in France is 'un demi', literally a half. That's not half a litre (don't expect the French to make things that simple); it's 25 centilitres, about half a pint. In summer, the Champs-Elysées is lined with foreign visitors struggling to finish two-litre flagons of lager when they rashly asked for 'une bière'. Some waiters are so determined to make an extra euro that even if you ask for a 'demi' they might reply with 'petit, moyen ou grand?' (large, medium or small?). The correct response is a baffled 'mais un demi est un demi, non?'
Carafe
Only the snootiest of restaurants will refuse to serve you tap water. But you've got to ask for 'une carafe d'eau', a small jug of water. Failure to specify this will produce a litre of Evian or Badoit, which is fine, but more expensive.
Marcel Marceau
The French have long since forgotten who Marcel Marceau was, but his legacy lives on. So when you want to pay, catch his or her eye and mime writing on a notebook while mouthing 'l'addition' (the bill, pronounced 'laddi-syon').
Read the full article at The Observer
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