15 maio 2012
AC/DC: Beer-battered kangaroo sausage, sliced hard-boiled egg, low-calorie port cheese, Dutch crunch.
Black Sabbath: Ham, stilton, LSD mustard, milled wheat bread.
Thin Lizzy: Chopped sausage, mincemeat, Jameson-shiitake reduction, soda bread.
The Beatles: Beef, ham, chicken, lamb, fondue sauce, dinner roll.
Wings: Sliced vegan haggis, wilted arugula, aged soy cheddar, rice bread.
Led Zeppelin: Arum sandwich with hummus, lettuce, 22 thin-sliced deli meats; side of Colman’s mustard.
Bob Dylan: Scrapple, melted pepper jack, hemp-seed garlic bread.
The Pogues: Gin-fed lamb, whiskey-marinated turkey, beer-braised pork shoulder, mustard, soda bread.
Van Halen: Grilled 17-cheese sandwich on white bread; side of nacho cheese soup.
Ted Nugent: Cubed Grizzly bear, white buffalo brisket, unicorn haunch, Jim Beam barbecue sauce, white bread.
The Jimi Hendrix Experience: Bacon-double cheeseburger, mescaline pesto, sourdough bread.
Yes: Smoked ham, sprouts, candied foxgloves, braised fawn, dandelion greens, grilled fly agaric, irradiated kamut roll.
Allman Brothers: Honey-bourbon brisket, potato chips, Milk Duds, dandelion greens, seeded bun.
Pink Floyd: Amethyst-rubbed pork, asparagus jelly, moon-dried tomatoes, pumpernickel.
Jethro Tull: Roasted king bolete, ginger chutney, hempseed bread.
Emerson, Lake and Palmer: Ham, grape jelly, everything bagel.
Van Morrison: Lamb kebab, yogurt, thistle butter, Tupelo honey, jelly roll.
Simon and Garfunkel: Fried pork cutlet, ketchup, mustard, parsley, sage, rosemary, flour tortilla.
Bruce Springsteen: Cheesesteak, peppers, grilled headband, ketchup, seeded bun.
ABBA: Reindeer paté, candied rose petals, white bread.
Guns ’n Roses: Bacon-double cheeseburger, bittermelon jelly, Rogain aioli, sliced glazed donut.
The Who: Roast beef, boiled guitar strings, dinner roll.
Neil Young: Cubed ham, Kraft macaroni and cheese, blackened Anaheim peppers, 18-grain Anasazi bread.
Rolling Stones: Beef tongue, caviar, platinum-coated fried onions, ketchup, white bread.
Tom Waits: Boiled racehorse brisket, mustard, dark rye bread.
Roxy Music: Tandoori chicken breast, kalamata olive and sun-dried tomato tapenade, fried dragonfly wings, mache, sprouted bun.
Brian Ferry: Chipotle/cocaine-rubbed pork shoulder, herbed goat cheese, french roll.
The Cars: Pepsi-braised hamburger, Roquefort dressing, white bread.
Neil Diamond: Brandy-marinated ham, cheese spread, cherry pie filling, Texas toast.
Queen: Fried Corinthian leather, Pop Rocks, sprouts, mayo, baguette.
Creedence Clearwater Revival: Alligator sausage, ketchup, relish, seeded hot dog bun.
Cream: Curried goat ribs, marmalade, lettuce, ruby powder, spelt bread.
Beach Boys: Grilled chicken breast, mustard, lettuce, SPF-50 sunscreen aioli, crispy fried peyote bits, white bread.
The Doors: Beer-battered fried chicken, mescaline ketchup, Navajo fry bread.
Huey Lewis and the News: Butterflied hot dog, pizza sauce, Cheez-Whiz, Dutch crunch.
Hall and Oates: Tuna salad, diet coleslaw, pomade, hamburger bun.
Prince: Braised peacock cheeks, lavender spread, mustard, mayo, baguette.
Grateful Dead: Lemon verbena sorbet, peanut butter, clarified hemp butter, deep-fried brownie bites, M&Ms, stale focaccia.
Kiss: Low-sodium smoked turkey, Velveeta, braised $100 bills, sequined bun.
Meat Loaf: Turkey meatloaf, lettuce, fat-free mayo, deep-fried silk, whole wheat bread, pint of dipping gravy.
Styx: Chopped hot dog, Cheez-Whiz, butter, poppyseed bagel.
Heart: Stewed cloud ear mushrooms, jalapeño mustard, mayo, arugula, hexagonal gold-embossed cornbread.
The Police: Smoked trout, horseradish-Viagra mayo, white bread.
Rush: Seagrams-marinated grilled flank steak, carbonated pineapple-jalapeño cheese spread, maple-wasabi aioli, hand-milled laser-cut 37-grain flatbread.
U2: Olive loaf, Tasmanian honey, shade-grown arugula, free-trade coffee-balsamic reduction, wheat bread.
Nick Drake: Ptarmigan tears, nettle spread, rice bread.
David Bowie: Curried snow leopard, mayo, garlic naan.
The Kinks: Roast beef, balsamic cigarette-butt reduction, dark rye.
Squeeze: Pickled herring, Dijon mustard, Silly String, pumpernickel.
Can: Flash-fried hummingbird, sliced gruyere, shredded kelp, curry ketchup, seeded roll.
John Cage: Silence, warmth, indirect sunlight, the memory of lettuce, the idea of bread.
Velvet Underground: Salami, cheddar, shredded pre-war 1000-Deutschmark bills, oil paint, heroin gravy, French roll.
R.E.M.: Vegan chicken tenders, small-batch barbecue sauce, pickled rutabaga, dinner roll.
The Residents: Ham, cheese, playing cards, nickels, rye bread.
Bjork: Sliced narwhal, mustard, whole wheat bread.
Pixies: Hamburger, ketchup, crispy hemp leaves, Belgian waffle.
Sonic Youth: Roast beef, cheddar spread, brie, pork sausage, soy sausage, almond butter, curried prawns, barbiturate mayo, Asian coleslaw, shredded coconut, sprouted wheat bread.
Fugazi: Cold Tofurkey, radicchio, frozen capers, rice bread.
Kraftwerk: Vegan peppered ham, cucumber slices, baked microchips, sprouted wheat bread.
Aphex Twin: Stilton, Colman’s mustard, wasabi paste, adrenochrome jelly, baked Polaroids, dinner roll.
Ministry: Cheeseburger, pickles, lettuce, WD-40 aioli, cocaine-dusted bun.
Godspeed You! Black Emperor: Vegan brisket, raw horseradish, mascerated ghost pepper dressing, whole baguette.
Venom: Burnt goat marrow, black sand, iceberg lettuce, scarab-husk bread.
Bauhaus: Baked tofu, hemlock spread, black mustard, French roll.
The Cure: Turkey ham, mayo, Chanel No. 5, sparrow feathers, wheat bread.
Depeche Mode: Chicken breast, Swiss cheese, grilled suede, fried onions, mascara aioli, seeded baguette.
The Smiths: Vegan ham, mustard, mayo, bacon wrapped in lettuce, white bread.
Joy Division: Stilton, nightshade jelly, zucchini bread.
The Clash: Moroccan eggplant tagine, marmite, soda bread.
Sex Pistols: Deep-fried Frank Sinatra LP, Russian mustard, spackle, tacks, stale rye bread.
Ramones: Sliced hot dog, amphetamine ketchup, mustard, relish, white bread.
Misfits: Pizza sub with pepperoni, mozzarella, olives, and fried bat nuggets; Kaiser roll.
Black Flag: Smoked turkey, mustard, shredded griptape, black spraypaint, sprouts, wheat bread.
G.G. Allin: Cubed grilled hammerhead shark, KY jelly, chunky peanut butter, stale tortilla.
AN OPEN LETTER TO EVERYONE WHO, WHEN MY FIANCÉ LEFT ME, TOLD ME IT WAS “HIS LOSS.”
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The person I love most in the entire world has left me. Gone. Vanished. And the real kicker here folks—he left by choice. You all know this and yet you still say it’s “his loss.” As if that is supposed to make me feel better, console me; make me the “bigger person.” It does none of the above because the truth of the matter is: I have experienced a loss.
Losses and wins involve points, am I correct? Let’s think about the situation and see where the points should be awarded. Are we all in agreement that the loss goes to the person with the least amount of points? Good. Let’s begin:
Since it was his choice to leave me, and I had no say in the matter—actually I wasn’t even warned it was coming (or going, as was the case), or given the opportunity to work on things or speak with a third party—I’d say that’s 1 point him, 0 points me.
I was left to tell everyone I know, we know, we knew or would possibly meet that the wedding was called off. It was my job to do this because he didn’t. It was my job to bring the bad news to everyone, to tell the story I had so little answers for, to state his irrational reasoning. 1 point for him.
I cried so much for the first few weeks that I thought I would get dehydrated from all the water loss. I cried at any moment I could get alone, and around people with whom I felt comfortable. After a while, I started to feel “comfortable” crying around anyone. Subtlety was not something I was practicing at this time. I bet he cried, too. I hope he cried. I guess we’ll put that as 0 points for both of us.
I had no appetite. I almost stopped eating all together. My mind was so wrapped up in processing the situation that eating wasn’t a priority. Therefore, I lost a lot of weight. Shit. That’s a point for me. I bet he lost weight too, but that’s not cool for guys, right? 0 for him.
He stopped loving me. 1 point him, 0 for me.
Everything I own has his memory attached to it. We were together for almost five years and were planning a wedding and a future. That off-white sweater he bought me for Christmas; that song where it says Nothing else will do, I gotta have you; the love notes he wrote me; that 89.3 radio poster he sent with me before I went abroad; his books with notes in the margins: all covered in him. I thought about getting rid of things or at least putting them away for a while, but I realized that the strongest memories were the ones in my head. There was no way to throw those out. I bet he thought of me sometimes, but without love attached to it. 1 more point for him.
He told me we should stop communicating. We wouldn’t see each other because we were living in different towns at the time anyway. There were no phone calls unless I was the one who rang. The person I shared every last detail of my life with, and who did the same with me, suddenly didn’t care anymore. I was left to write my thoughts, cry my thoughts, and be with my thoughts alone. 1 point him, 0 me.
I bought a wedding dress. 1 point him, 0 for me.
Let’s see where we’re at so far. 6 points him, 1 point me. That looks to be a little in his favor, wouldn’t you say? Looks like a loss is coming my way.
When I see other couples holding hands, when I turn on sports, when I hear his name, when I dream of his touch, when I get another invitation to a fucking wedding, I am jolted with a pain that knocks me off my feet for a bit. It’s an empty hole in my body that feels bottomless some days, and will never be filled. 0 points for me, 1 for him.
Waking up in the mornings has hurt since the day he left me. I’ve never really been a morning person, but coming out of my subconscious into reality is a painful endeavor that I start with every day. The in-and-out of consciousness experienced with sleeping-in takes its toll. I used to love sleeping-in. I’m guessing he’s sleeping pretty well, having this bombshell off his conscience. 1 point him, 0 for me.
On the other hand, I’ve gotten much closer to my mom through all of this. She is my listener, my body to cry into, my wise adviser. My relationships with my sister and brothers have grown as well. We talk more often and I feel their love everyday. My dad has been able to get angry at him when I wasn’t able to. Dad is there to protect me. My friends have been amazing; their love has shattered every wall and wrapped me with grace. I feel taller and stronger because I have and continue to make it through everyday. I am confident in what I want from life. I was vulnerable to love and conquered it with honesty, respect, and faithfulness. None of this would have happened had I not met him and fallen in love. I guess I have to award a point to everyone who was there for me. That’s 100 points for me. I don’t know about him.
It looks as though the total count is in: 7 points for him and… 101 points for me? Shit. Everyone was right. I guess it is his loss. Or is it possible that we both experienced a loss? Does that mean it’s a tie? I think what I’ve learned is that neither of us won. The loss is real and cannot (and should not) be rushed. The healing process takes time. Time is all I own.